FUNNY QUOTES

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My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder!!

Never steal. The government hates competition.

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.

Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?

Why are they called apartments if they are all stuck together?

Smile…It confuses people..!!

Don't break someone's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206 of them.

DON’T HIT KIDS!!! No, seriously, they have guns now.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.

Enjoy life, There's plenty of time to be dead.

I want to kill the hottest person alive… But suicide is a crime!

I still miss my ex – But guess what? My Aim is getting better .

All guys hate the words DON’T and STOP unless they’re put together.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Save paper, don’t do home work.

I wish my book of life was written in pencil … There are a few pages I would like to erase.

Life is Short – Talk Fast!

I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

Save water and shower together.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back, and let the wold wonder how you did it.

It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.

Be crazy, be stupid, be wild, be silly because life is, too short to be cool.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

Bet you didn’t notice the the word ‘the’ has been said twice.

Skinny jeans are like calories. Easy to put on but impossible to take

As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally flexible.

Some time I feel like writing 'lol' at the end of every answer in exams.

 If ugliness was measured in bricks, you would be the great wall of China.

I never understand that why the hell do people use hash-tags on FB?

Admit you check time on mobile to see time, and see it again as first time u didn't paid attention!

True friends don't judge each other. They judge other people together.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I feel so happy from inside when a teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs!

For all the girls that say all guys are the same... Who told you to try them all?

Boys lie more, but girls lie better.

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

Money is like a sixth sense - and you can't make use of the other five without it.

87% of young people have back pain. the other 13% have no computer.

Anniversary is when there are lots of flowers and you are still alive.

I do very bad things, and I do them extremely well.

Brains are awesome, I wish everybody had one.

Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me i'll laugh at you.

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle

Just because you can’t dance doesn't mean you shouldn’t dance.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Cinderella is a proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

Life is all about mind and matter. I don't mind and you don't matter...

Don't say you love me, unless you really mean it, cause I might do something crazy like believe it.

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so near to Monday?

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